Bio
Name: Daniel Robert Lance Big Plume
Nickname: Saturnyne
Birthday: May 3, 1980
Age: 26
Sun Sign: Taurus
Moon Sign: Sagittarius
Chinese Zodiac: Monkey (Born)
Height: 170 cm
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Brown
Status: Single
Favorites
Color: Blue
Food: Chicken
Animal: Cat
Anime: Sailormoon
Show: CSI
PJ's: Sweatpants/ T-shirt
Pokemon: Porygon
Website: NHB Radio
My Linux Desktop
Current Moods
Song: Dog's A Best Friend's Dog
Links
Official Sins Of Science Homepage
Space-Kitten.Org
Wing Commander CIC
Tears For Fears
Contact
Email: saturnyne1d@netscape.net
|
Saturday, March 16, 2002
1:16 PM There's not much I want to say in this entry, as I don't even want to be alive at this moment. Sufficed to say, who knew I'd be fighting a losing war, and I guess I wasn't destined to be in love (Or even loved romantically) after all. For the purpose of keeping this from being a pity party, I'm just going to say that the song that describes my mood (Link on the left) has changed from "Madness of Roland" by Tears For Fears to "Calling All Stations" by Genesis. I encourage you to read it if you want to know what kind of entry I would have made today.
Friday, March 15, 2002 4:50 PM You know those days when you wake up feeling better about things, but something happens? Like when you find out that you are not loved as much by, or mean as much to, someone special? Well, after some rather lowlife actions I have taken today, this is exactly what's happened. See you guys tomorrow.
1:29 AM Well, here is my third entry. It seems that there are quite a few people who are paying attention to this blog. I have added four people to my ICQ list today alone. It's quite interesting to have a kind of pseudo popularity. In my rush to be honest and open with my feelings, I have ended up making Jaymie look very bad, which was not my intention. My intention was not to portray her as a self-righteous bitch who has no qualms about hurting my feelings, destroying me emotionally, or endangering my well-being. My intention was to portray her as a Human being who has made mistakes. And yet at the same time, I praise her and tell her I love her, and put her up on a pedestal. As such, I'd like to change the mood of this particular entry. Instead of lamenting about the pain I feel concerning and involving Jaymie, I shall focus upon the joy and happiness I feel concerning and involving Jaymie. Today, she took the time to get me out of bed. It felt really nice, even if there was an inkling of regret in thinking that I made her do it because of my last entry. But it was still nice. I have to kind of chuckle at her sweetness, because she insists she got me up way too early, when I insist she got me out of bed two hours after she thought she did. I hope she continues to get me out of bed. Even though she's not my girlfriend, I do love her greatly, and it's so wonderful to wake up to her face, and her voice. You know how people say "I love the way he/she does this", and the like? Well, here is something I have loved about Jaymie since I first knew her. She has this way of explaining things. For instance, about 3 years ago, she was explaining the details of certain Arthurian legends to me. I could tell she was really into it, and it warmed my heart that she was talking about something she was so interested in. And while she was talking, she kind of scrunched her nose while looking off to the side. I thought it was so cute, and I still do. To this day, she explains so many things to me that she's so passionate about. I can tell, because she starts to gesticulate, and draws me into the world of her interests so fully. She has so many interests, and so much energy to live life. This leads me to the next thing I love about Jaymie. She is the Yin to my Yang. Or is she Yang to my Yin? Whichever she is, she reminds me that in terms of personality and spirit, it feels to me that though we are opposites in some respects, we are part of a greater whole. She is outgoing and I am introverted. She is energetic, whereas I'm rather calm. Her sign is the water bearer, while mine is associated with earth. She can play an instrument, where I can write for it. She can teach me orchestration, while I can teach her to better her singing. She excels in areas of writing that I can't. I can come up with words that she cannot. I have proof of this. My brother was developing a video game (Since been canceled), and I was 'hired' to write the songs. I wrote a 12 measure town theme that was put on repeat. The song in itself was nothing more than 30 seconds of music repeating itself, but I knew from the start that I wanted to add more to it. So, along came Jaymie. Not only did she help me finish the song, but she took it to a whole new level I never dreamed could have been reached! She added a whole string section, AND a beautiful, moving and emotional flute solo that to this day still blows me away. She has helped me on other songs for the video game (Though she still owes me a violin solo for a battle theme :p), and though it had stopped in development, it was lovely to able to compose with someone. She also wrote an absolutely beautiful and haunting song for me for Christmas. And Jaymie has taken my songs to levels I couldn't ever imagine. Many thanks to you, Jaymie. You have contributed more to my music than you shall ever know. Now, if only we could start composing together more often. Jaymie is very talented, lovely, giving, compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic, caring, self-sacrificing (despite my objections to the harm she causes to herself), selfless, energetic, full of life, ready to experience anything, ambitious, soft and most of all cuddly. I have let her know many times that her body type is my fantasy build. And her eyes are hazel! I looooooooooooooooooooove hazel. The cool thing about them is that they change color. I've seen Jaymie's eyes be blue and green in the same day. I call her hair "everywhere hair". The reason is because I've literally found it everywhere! When I visited 3 years ago, I found her hair on my clothes when I got home. That means that her hair is somewhere in my homeland, floating about waiting for some scientist to pick up and use the DNA to make a Jaymie clone. Jaymie is not selfish, hateful, vengeful, purposely hurtful, nor does she put down, stifle or kill people's dreams. There is room in her heart for everyone. But I've got dibs on the romantic love part, okay? Me. Hehe. Jaymie is also not seriously spiteful, everything she does to spite anyone are in fun, and in a joking manner. What's more, those kinds of jokes, where the punchline must be clear in such a precarious situation, are obviously jokes. She never jokes like that until she's sure people know her well enough. She certainly has her bad points, of course. Imperfections, confusions, etc.. But you know, I still love her more and more each day. I talk about how perfect she is, and yet I've just said she has imperfections. Well what I mean is that she is perfect for me. Refer to my Yin/Yang statements above. But it is her imperfections, her shortcomings, that help accent her personality, her humanity, and her vulnerability. And I love her for everything she is. I could not do less. Soon after I moved down to Bakersfield, I one night found her slouched at the side of my bed crying softly and holding my hand. I squeezed her hand to let her know I was awake, and we began talking. Leaving out the gory details, the basic gist is that she felt that she wasn't perfect enough for me. She talked of her shortcomings, and her imperfections, and listed them like each of them was a death sentence. I sat her down and told her that it was those parts of her that added to her personality, and gave me more reasons to love her. That's pure love, I believe. When someone's imperfections are reason to love them more, not less. Something I also feel I wasn't clear on was about her coughing fits. Jaymie has started feeling more sick lately, which has given me even more excuses to take care of her. Anyway, her coughing fits take a lot of energy out of her, and her throat is quite raw. As such, I avoid laying with her in ways that would make these fits worse for her. My goal is to take care of her, not kill her. I feel I might have made it sound like she was yelling at me to get away from her, which was not the case. We both just don't want her coughing to flare up to a point where she gets much too sick before she gets better. On another subject, I recieved Resident Evil for the PC the other day. I now have the entire Resident Evil PC collection. It's really cool because I get to take nifty screenshots of my favorite characters in my favorite getups and poses. Though I mostly take them for my brother, who enjoys gandering at Leon Kennedy in his "gangsta" clothes. Perhaps I'll post links to the pics, should I decide to upload them. Well, this is getting wordy and I'm out of words. I've been talking with three people on ICQ while typing this, so I'm a bit exhausted too. Once again, I truly hope this has not been too candid or uncomfortable for you, and I hope you've enjoyed it. I certainly enjoyed writing it for you. A trillion thanks again to Diana, for kindly hosting this blog. I hope you come back again for future entries. Jaymie, I love you.
Thursday, March 14, 2002 4:27 AM Here I am in the wee hours of the morning making another blog entry. Yes, 'blog' is synonomous with 'journal' here. Today's theme is lamenting. I was thinking back to something Jaymie alluded to today/yesterday. But before I get to that, there is something I must explain. Jaymie can talk to the Fae (Fae is apparently the plural for Faerie). I believe she can, as I've often been the recipient of their messages through her, and have been witness to an argument between her and them now and again. I have tried to hear them myself, but I have yet to learn how to listen. Such an argument between her and a certain Faerie named Morna has me hurting about things that aren't really my business in the first place. Morna has decided to encourage Jaymie to do something impulsive - to just kiss 'him' (For the purpose of discretion, 'him' will describe the one with whom Jaymie was unfaithful with) and see what happens. More to the point, alluding that something romantic would develop between them. Jaymie has refused for her reasons, which shall go undiscussed, unless I am allowed by her discretion, and she has told me about said argument. While the argument in itself is funny, I certainly can't help but feel like the wounds of the last month are being re-opened yet again. Why does it hurt? Well, for one obvious reason. As I still love her and want her to be mine again someday, the thought of her kissing and being with other guys hurts like hell. The idea that all I did with her, like holding her close, laying with her quietly, hugging her and even kissing her shall all be fulfilled by someone who is not me. And she'll love it. What's more, she'll love him, whomever him should happen to be. It makes me feel like all that I did is less special, and is worth less if she can do things like that with someone else. And Morna isn't helping. I'm sure some of it has to do with getting certain things out of Jaymie's system. What I'm taking Morna's message to mean is that Jaymie should just leave me behind in terms of ever falling in love with me again, and, regardless of how I may feel (which shouldn't be a factor anyway), go and be with 'him'. I want to ask Morna if that is the case, and I want to ask her of her intentions, however again, I don't have the ability to listen to the Fae that Jaymie has. Why is this none of my business? Because Jaymie's not my girlfriend. She's my friend now. A best friend and kindred spirit no doubt, but her personal romantic relationships are none of my business unless she wants them to be. She has no one to be faithful to right now, so she's free to kiss anyone she pleases. She could even flirt her cute little butt off, and all I can do is shrug like it doesn't bother me, and die inside in silence. It's all I can do. If you're asking why I just don't find some romantic partner as a way to distract myself from Jaymie's relationships, I have my reasons. Firstly, any romantic partner I'd ever have other than Jaymie would be settling. I don't want to use anyone like that. They don't deserve it. And if that's my mindset, then I'm better off being alone. I don't believe in casual sex, despite my past mistakes, I hate the idea of having multiple ex-girlfriends, and most of all, I have only wanted to be with Jaymie. And even that's not a guarantee. There is a huge chance that she could find a man who loves her better than I ever could. And she could marry that man and have a family with him. If only it could be me. But again, I am digressing. Right at this moment, Jaymie is about 10 feet away, sleeping in her bed. I want to lay with her (Nothing sexual of course), but I don't want to aggravate her coughing fits. It seems that every time I lay near her, I make her coughing worse instead of healing it. It's cruel though. I want to be beside her and holding her, hoping somehow I can make her feel better. Instead, I'd make her hack and cough and feel miserable. So all I can do is what she wants me to do, which is to stay away. That sounds worse than it is though. It's not like she hates me, but I make her coughing worse, so it's best that I don't do anything that might make her more sick. Is it just me, or is it that the farther this entry goes, the more I'm shown as being so much less than a perfect love for Jaymie? In a moment of self-pity, perhaps she should just abandon the idea of ever being with me again and be with 'him'. I'm sure she'd be much happier with 'him' than she would with me anyway. On a more humorous note, I was talking with Celes on ICQ. I had mentioned that I thought that Jaymie was as beautiful as an angel, but for some childish reason (to be childish I suppose), decided that I didn't want Celes to tell Jaymie that. At some point, Celes just all-capped the fact that I called Jaymie and angel, and Jaymie saw it. I was called 'cute'. I was hoping for 'sweet', but I guess 'cute' is all I can achieve. Oh well. I've just got to try harder I guess. As a few final notes, thanks for the billionth time to Diana for letting me do this blog on her server. I have no cookies yet other than browser cookies, but I'll throw something together for you. If anyone wants to get in contact with me, my ICQ and AIM contacts are on the side panel on the left. And to Ru and everyone else, I once again hope this wasn't too candid or uncomfortable for you. I hope you enjoyed reading this entry and hope you come back for future ones. Thank you for your time. Jaymie, I love you.
Wednesday, March 13, 2002 1:51 PM Okay, everything should be set, so this should work. Whether or not it does is irrelevant, since I'm copying this to a file to be resent in the case that it doesn't.
|
|