Bio
Name: Daniel Robert Lance Big Plume
Nickname: Saturnyne
Birthday: May 3, 1980
Age: 26
Sun Sign: Taurus
Moon Sign: Sagittarius
Chinese Zodiac: Monkey (Born)
Height: 170 cm
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Brown
Status: Single
Favorites
Color: Blue
Food: Chicken
Animal: Cat
Anime: Sailormoon
Show: CSI
PJ's: Sweatpants/ T-shirt
Pokemon: Porygon
Website: NHB Radio
My Linux Desktop
Current Moods
Song: Dog's A Best Friend's Dog
Links
Official Sins Of Science Homepage
Space-Kitten.Org
Wing Commander CIC
Tears For Fears
Contact
Email: saturnyne1d@netscape.net
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Saturday, March 30, 2002
7:55 PM Apparently, I am becoming too obsessive over the subject matters in this blog. As we all know where my feelings are right now, and as I want to keep this from being a "today I did this and that" journal of sorts, I'm not going to be making any entries for a long time. Thanks for reading. We all know how I vainly declare to Jaymie how I love her, etc. Alright, bye.
Friday, March 29, 2002 9:10 PM I am not the right guy for Jaymie. At least, not right now. She wants to have fun. I want commitment. She just wants to date and hang out. I want a future wife. I want too much of relationships, and I don't see why that should change. As I've said before, I'm looking for wife material. I have found it in Jaymie, but she is unable to commit to a relationship like that. I hope that someday soon, she'll be ready, and I hope that I am that lucky man. Of course, if that lucky man is someone else, I'll be devastated. Let's not dance around on eggshells here. We all know that I will at least remain Jaymie's best friend and kindred for as long as she allows me to do so. This means that if I am not the man that Jaymie happens to love in her future as her one and only, then I will of course attend the wedding between her and her man. I suppose some part of me will be happy for them, but more of me will be torn apart than anything. I guess all I can do is continue to hold onto that hope that I am the man she loves in her future. I wonder if these words mean more to her than me just saying sweet things............? I love you, Jaymie.
Thursday, March 28, 2002 7:01 PM I'm such a stupid fuck up. Just fixed a misspelling in the entry below. You don't know where it is, and it doesn't matter. Just know that because of it, it was a mistake that I was born. Today, I've got the distinct feeling that Jaymie is hiding something from me. Whenever I come in to greet her in the morning, she suddenly starts quickly covering her ICQ messages, hurriedly reading and answering to them, and covering her IM windows as quickly as she can. Whether or not she is hiding anything is something that I cannot prove without rooting through her things, and I'm sure she'll tell me that there's nothing for her to hide, and that I'm "being silly". Maybe this is why I've been feeling the fool for the last while. I'm just a clown for everyone. Point at me and laugh, everyone. I'll never be important enough to take seriously. You can all play me for an idiot. Isn't that good for you? You have someone you can dick around and make fun of, who will only go belly up and take it! Don't you love that? I'm sure you all do. Besides, I'm not enough of a person to be told the truth, or to be loved anyway. Might as well resign myself to my fate. I love you, Jaymie.
Wednesday, March 27, 2002 1:00 AM If I were a Moulin Rouge character, I would be the Duke: deeply in love with the Sparkling Diamond, but her light only shining upon another... and never for me. Is this what I was destined for....?
Tuesday, March 26, 2002 3:18 PM I feel very much the fool today. I don't know why, I just feel stupid. Despite my better spirits as of late, I keep waking up in quite a depression. I mean, when I take stock of the current situation, that is certainly enough to remind me that I shouldn't smile, so I guess right now, I won't. You see, there's this girl that I like. Not only like, I love her. I'm in love with her. And I know it. Only, she's not in love with me. I certainly want to see if that can change. For my sake, anyway. While there are no guarantees either way, I've always been taught to prepare for the worst. As such, I've made some life choices at this point in my life, and I plan to uphold them, and never contradict them. First, I plan to be uncompromising. If there is another true love out there for me, then that person must be capable of the kind of relationship I had with Jaymie. Only faithful. The love Jaymie and I shared was the truest I've ever known, even despite our problems. Along that vein, I plan to be very picky. I've been looking for wife material since I was 8 people, don't expect that to change. Those are only two of the choices I've made. Sure, it can be self-defeating, but you know what? I love Jaymie, and she's the only one I'd ever want to marry at this point. I don't imagine loving anyone nearly as much as I love her. Yeah, go ahead and get out your "but you're still young, someone will come along someday" speeches. I've heard them. Hell, I've given them. Not only to friends, but to myself. And whomever says them to me would be right. I am young, and there might be someone out there someday. But the flipside is that I've found that someone now, and she's who I want to be with. She's who I want to grow old with. She's the only woman I've ever felt completely comfortable around. Where I can bare my soul and its wounds, and not expect ridicule and laughter. Where instead, I will recieve compassion and empathy. Where my wounded soul will recieve bandages and iodine, and where it will be hugged to her warm, loving bosom until its tears have stopped. In such a world, I have seen no other. And I could love no other like her. I truly love you, Jaymie.
Sunday, March 24, 2002 5:27 PM Goddam world. I get up to find 17 emails for me. None... NONE from anyone important. I've grown to expect it, and it is a rare treat when a friend takes the time to email me, but not today. 17 messages, and not one of them mattered. Just got a bunch of crap about sex, something about a membership confirmation (which is crap because I haven't signed up for anything), and other mailing list bullcrap. Won't someone out there email me? Last night, I could tell Jaymie was upset... but I fell into that old pattern of "she says she's fine, so it's alright". I just shut up about it, and it upset me that she was feeling badly. I would have liked to have advised her or talked to her about it... but she only said so much and I decided it might be best to leave it at that. To keep myself from getting more upset, I went to sleep. I woke up a few times in the night, mostly tossing and turning, and still feeling upset and pain because Jaymie was upset. Now do not interpret that wrongly. I am not blaming Jaymie for that, because she is not to blame. I just wish I could have done more. But I guess in the end, it is natural for me to withdraw when all my questions are met with snapping-bite-your-head-off-toned answers. I guess it was really something she wanted to get off her mind, because she was having trouble RPing, and it was greatly frustrating her. I'm here to help her solve her problems. The most I did was stroke her hair. I ended up pulling on some tangles too hard, which hurt her. Yeah, you're a really great guy, Dan. Anyway, I am still upset about whatever bothered Jaymie last night... I do want to talk with her more about it, but I don't want to force the issue. What's more, if it was bad enough that she just wanted to forget about it for a while, then I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to her today. I guess all I can do is make my presence known to her, and remind her that I am here as her best friend, kindred, and as the man who loves her. Right now I'm listening to one of the only two mp3's I've made in my life. It is technically my own material, but I really only put it together using public domain samples. At least it would satisfy those at Moonwings who wanted me to put up mp3 songs instead of midi. Hell, if I could, I'd have put the midis up as MP3's, but I have no way to do it. Well, other than to take our crappy mic and hold it up to a speaker, but wouldn't that sound worse than a MIDI? Our MIDI bank is quite modern, so it sounds really good, but the idea of holding the mic up to the speaker seems kind of stupid. Anyone who has MIDI that sounds crappy needs to buy a new sound card. Heh. Of course, I need a whole new computer myself, so I shouldn't complain. But hey, at least we've got a good sound card. I really don't have much else to say. Thanks for reading all of this if you have, and many more thanks to Diana for letting me host this on her server. Visit Moonwings people. It's fun, if not twisted. I love you Jaymie, and I'm here for you.
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