Bio
Name: Daniel Robert Lance Big Plume
Nickname: Saturnyne
Birthday: May 3, 1980
Age: 26
Sun Sign: Taurus
Moon Sign: Sagittarius
Chinese Zodiac: Monkey (Born)
Height: 170 cm
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Brown
Status: Single
Favorites
Color: Blue
Food: Chicken
Animal: Cat
Anime: Sailormoon
Show: CSI
PJ's: Sweatpants/ T-shirt
Pokemon: Porygon
Website: NHB Radio
My Linux Desktop
Current Moods
Song: Dog's A Best Friend's Dog
Links
Official Sins Of Science Homepage
Space-Kitten.Org
Wing Commander CIC
Tears For Fears
Contact
Email: saturnyne1d@netscape.net
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Thursday, April 18, 2002
7:35 PM Today, I've been re-reading the metaphorical "Book" of the love Jaymie and I shared. Old emails, letters she wrote to me, and memories of all the wonderful things we've shared and done together. All of those memories are wonderful and precious, and I'm sad that I don't get to experience more with Jaymie. But I love her, and at least I had those wonderful things with her once. Here is a brief summary of our "Book". In the first chapter (June/July of 1998 - January 17th 1999), we were two people seperated by distance, pain, isolation and other relationships. But also in that chapter is the tale of an emotional bond that could never be superceded by anything. Our spirits connected, not just our hearts. We were kindreds, and we still are. We share life energies, and thoughts and feelings. This chapter tells of the lies I've told, and the ways I've learned from them. It tells of how I broke another young woman's heart, and betrayed her trust. It also tells of the wonderful young woman named Jaymie, whom I fell in love with and ultimately formed a romantic relationship with on January 18, 1999. The second chapter (April 1999 - November 1999) is about hurdles and obstacles. Jaymie and I were seperated by distance, which was cured for 20 days when I visited her in March/April of 1999. After that, we were presented with many more obstacles, including personal struggles on both sides, dealing with the factors of distance and the pain it brings, as well as the euphoria of knowing that once the lust in a relationship subsides, a deep growing love is there in its place. During this time, I had struggles involving my family, and though she wasn't there in person, Jaymie helped me through it, offering advice, and a shoulder to cry on, as well as an ear to bitch at. The third chapter (November 18 1999 - June 2001) is one of the most wonderful ones. In it, I moved down to Bakersfield to be with Jaymie, so that distance would no longer be a factor. While my moving down caused a lot of pain with my family, things had been amended. In this chapter, Jaymie and I fell even more deeply in love, and were able to share many more things between us, since the distance factor was gone. I was able to hold her when she needed to cry. She was able to hold my hand and tell me things would be okay. We were there for each other, to let each other know that we'd always be there for each other, and we love each other deeply. Early in this chapter, Jaymie came to my bed crying, and sitting on the floor. She said she wasn't perfect enough to be with me. I wrapped my arms around her, and I told her why she was fine the way she was. I told her that I was with her because I loved her, not because of how perfect or imperfect she was. That's an example of what we were able to share together. The fourth chapter (June 2001 - January 2002) is a mix of things. While Jaymie and I started sharing a lot more with each other, things started changing. Jaymie had realized how confused it was, and as a part of it, her heart had fallen for another man. As a result, she was unfaithful, but the overall result is that we worked it out, and she realized that it was I that she wanted to be with forever. It was I that she loved. Even past the end of this "Book" though, she still remains confused in the way she was in this chapter. The fifth chapter (January 20, 2002 - February 12, 2002), is the ending chapter. It is rife with pain and infidelity, and finally the break up. In this chapter, the relationship on a romantic sense has ended. However, we continue to turn to each other as friends and kindreds. On my part, my life would be incomplete without Jaymie in it in some way. I certainly hope she feels the same way. The book ends on February 12, 2002. We were together for three wonderful years. That "Book" is over, but certainly not uncherished or forgotten. We are best friends, and I am mourning the fact that the book had to end. Yes, I do wish and hope for a "Book 2". But Jaymie wants to explore relationships with other people before she can decide if I'm the man she wants to be with for the rest of her life. Once I am finished reading this "Book", and finished my own mourning, and helped her finish hers, I may move on myself, and seek new relationships. I certainly hope it doesn't lead to Jaymie and I having to live apart from each other. While being there spiritually is wonderful and more than enough, being with her physically plays a large part in things as well. While my love for Jaymie will change, and is changing, there is a strong part of me that will never fall out of love with her. Nothing will change that. Love is love is love, in any form. Jaymie doesn't love me any less, just because she doesn't love me romantically. Like mine, her love for me grows everyday. Just not romantically. Yet. I hope one day, I will be the lucky man she gives her heart to. At that point, we would have to start over again. A new relationship will not be the continuation of our "Book". It will be a whole new "Book" altogether - "Book 2". I hope it's the last and most beautiful book about love between Jaymie and myself that could ever need to be written, metaphorically, or literally. As a side note, before I end... I certainly hope I can go to Boston at the same time Jaymie does. In fact, sometimes it hurts and scares me that we might not. But if we go together, neither of us has to face a life across the country alone. I want to be the one to help hold her hand through it, and make adjustments to it with her. From there, who knows what the future holds? I love you, Jaymie. In many wonderful, wonderful ways. I hope a "Book 2" becomes the best possibility between us in the future. I would love to be able to write it with you. I will always be in love with you, as well. My love will always grow. I love you, Jaymie. You are my kindred, and my best friend in the universe. I hope I can always remain as such for you. Here's to a long and happy future together, in any respect.
Wednesday, April 17, 2002 10:13 AM ..................................................................................
Tuesday, April 16, 2002 9:44 PM Yes, I'm still alive... another day of enduring things... ups and downs of course. To see what kind of post I would have made today, check the new song that's on here. The link is on the left.
3:59 AM Each day I get to spend time with Jaymie. And I love her, and that love brings me joy. What doesn't is that I also get to watch as she becomes more and more attached to her friend. The more she does, the more I hurt. The more I hurt, the more I do to myself, and ultimately her. Yes, there is much about my feelings for Jaymie that brings me joy. But there are also many things which bring me pain... a lot of pain... there are certain things that will never stop hurting, and this sadness keeps enveloping me and making me want to kill myself. Of course, I won't, because... well... I don't know why. But I just won't. I keep thinking of the suicide note I'd leave behind -- reminding everyone that though I had hurt them by killing myself, I do love them and want for them to be happy. I'd remind them that it wasn't their fault that I did it, and that I could understand if they're angry, or if they never forgive me. And yet, no matter how I try to word it, I could never write a good enough letter to say all I need to say to everyone. I guess there are many things I don't do well enough... or could never do well enough. What saddens me more is that no one is in love with me. Jaymie has feelings towards her friend, and I'm sure he does towards her as well. She is wanted, and people want to love her romantically and be with her. But no one with me. Not Jaymie, or anyone else. Am I that repulsive to women? Am I that unworthy of that kind of love? Are my dreams of a wife and children never to be realized? Is there no one in the universe who thinks of me as more than a friend? There are more joys in life than romance and love. I know this. However, I have come to know how much more things feel when there is a loved one to share them with. I want to share my life with Jaymie. To a different degree, she wants to share her life with me. I still hope that she wants me to be her husband someday. I wish that "someday" meant now... Am I so unworthy of pure and true love that she should wonder what it's like to be in other relationships? What am I doing wrong in terms of loving her? Everyday I hope and pray that she will fall in love with me and want to be with me forever. It seems like a pipe dream, but I hope that she is open to the possibility that we could be together again. I go in circles, and I sound like a broken record... but I am the way I am. If anyone out there has heard the name Ch� Nephid then please contact me. I also request that everyone who has added me to their AIM send me a message when you see me online. I don't reach out to people often, and I'm sure that's the same for a lot of people. At least then, if you do send me a message, I'll be able to add you to my list so I know who's who. I love you, Jaymie.
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